Over... December 2004
Europe, you’re in a downward population spiral. Pull out! Abort!
— PacRim Jim
The Final Piece of Paper November 2004
Long practiced in the subtle art of appeasement, elite European politicians assure everyone within electronic earshot of their ability to moderate the malign intentions of mullahnork terrorist states that are hurriedly developing atomic weapons for a variety of bellicose purposes, including export to mass murderers manqué.
“Dubya preserve us!,” the Pacster exclaimed, recalling Neville Chamberlain at Croyden Airport in 1939, who, after deplaning, waved overhead a windblown sheet of white paper, smiled smarmily, and announced smugly to the cheering throng of wishful thinkers that, “I have in my hand a piece of paper, signed by Mr. Hitler, in which he assures us that there will be no war in Europe.”
That Europols once again are making similar noises is prima facie evidence that Europeans possessed of common sense either emigrated long ago or died in the 20th-century Eurowars.
Predictably, Olde Europe once again will expect the U.S. to compensate militarily for their diplomatic deficiencies. We Americans can and shall, because it needs doing and because nobody else can or will. No surprise there.
This time, however, Americans will know better than to expect gratitude. We shall console ourselves with the knowledge that a few decades hence, when European children are vigorous Muslims and ethnic Europeans are gray and feeble, penurious Eurosocialists will pause their rocking chairs during transient moments of lucidity and wonder, “What have we done?”
But we Americans won’t count on that, either.
— PacRim Jim
A History of Reuters November 2004
1816
In this year of the slave uprising in the British colony of Barbados, Israel Beer Josaphat, the son of a rabbi, was born in Kassel, Germany. (Kassel later was bombed by the Royal Air Force during World War II because it was home to many industries producing heavy weapons for the Nazis, who killed six million Jews in their chain of concentration camps, a horror belatedly reported by Reuters.)
To avoid sundry slurs and gratuitous head-knockings, I.B. later adopted the German name Paul Julius Reuters. (Fortunately for him, Adoph Hitler was not born until 1889 in Austria, whose hills would later be alive with the sound of treacle.)
1851
P.J. opened an office at the London Stock Exchange and swapped stock market quotes (and later news) with the Continent via the newly opened Calais-Dover submarine cable. (Previously, Reuters had enslaved and abused pigeon-Germans by forcing them to carry prolix and thus ponderous messages between his offices.)
1865
Reuters, whose name begins with “r” as does “racist,” was the first news agency to notify Europe of the news of President Lincoln’s assassination. (Reuters might not have been complicit in the plot because no conclusive link between Reuters and John Wilkes Booth was ever established.)
1866-1870
Reuters found little worthy of news, possibly because of lazy Reuters employees and increasingly illiterate Europeans (or vice-versa).
1871
As a reward for being a good German, P.J. was elevated to baron, a lofty if honorary position over commoners, by the Duke of Saxe-Coburg-Gotha. (Incidentally, it was from Saxe-Coburg-Gotha, now part of Bavaria, whence emigrated the progenitors of the British Royal Family, now called Windsor because the British now have little affection for Germans and even less lung capacity than in the 19th century.)
1872
Cables laid through exploited European colonies and easily destroyed submarine ecosystems allowed Reuters to provide news from what Reuters then called the Orient.
1874
Ditto South America, which after World War II provided refuge to particularly odious Nazis from P.J.’s fatherland.
1875-1922
Another of Reuters’s patented unproductive periods.
1923
Reuters adopted the use of radio to transmit news internationally, thereby exposing the formerly idyllic natural world—especially helpless babies, kittens, and spirochetes—to life-threatening levels of electromagnetic radiation, which later speculation implicated in the development of lethal cancers, tinnitus, and the abhorrence of dental floss.
1939
To escape the Nazis, one of its major clients, Reuters relocated its corporate headquarters to Fleet Street, London. (Incidentally, the Fleet River, which now most preternaturally runs underground, was an open sewer in the 18th century.)
1939-1945
During World War II, being unsure which future principal client would prevail and unable to disguise itself as Switzerland, Reuters took itself private to avoid the encumbrances of morality and ethics and to avoid the display of premature loyalty, which could have proved detrimental to the bottom line.
Latter Half of 20th Century
Safely past the loyalty scare, Reuters adopted computers to synthesize and distribute its take on the news to everyone, everywhere.
1984
After scanning the horizon and identifying no sign of a world war, Reuters went public, again.
1995
To demonstrate its humorous sense of hypocrisy (or hypocritical sense of humor), Reuters established its Greenhouse Fund, which invests in technology start-ups, principally in the U.S., where capitalism has unleased worldwide hegemony, at least under Republican presidents.
2001
Despite the loss of six of their own employees in the World Trade Center attack, Reuters refused to label the attackers “terrorists,” earning Reuters the sobriquet al-Reuters.
21st Century
While busily avoiding the use of “terrorists,” Reuters indulged in many acquisitions as unproductive as they have proved to be unprofitable.
(Message from the Reuters Board of Directors: Would any American corporation like to take over Reuters and save our tendentious, well-upholstered behinds? Our company has always admired and supported America—always—even when we said we did not. Under sufficiently remunerative conditions, Reuters might possibly be willing to accommodate the uneducated hoi polloi of America by renaming ourselves to, say, Roy Terz.)
— PacRim Jim
The Rage of the Impotent October 2004
When not watching the radio, PacRim Jim occasionally cudgels the remaining folds of his once-imposing brain, usually to little effect. Today, however, was different.
It occurred that the decline in the fertility of ethnic Europeans parallels Europe’s decline in military power and hence its international heft.
Although the Pacster cannot untangle the causality—both possibly are effects of a diffident cause—this ineffectualness could account for Europe’s recent rages directed at the United States (which now is addicted to the Viagra™ of vigorous immigrants).
While the future does not necessarily belong to the fecund, the inability of Europeans to parent enough replacement children bespeaks impotence. It bespeaks the pessimism of once-great peoples who now slouch through life and across the world stage, while gazing backward at glory the more grand for its distance.
Sic transit gloria infecundi.
— PacRim Jim
The Sympathy of Bystanders October 2004
America has squandered such sympathy as Europe could summon, the ever-alertish Pacster hears.
Our Europatrons seem to specialize in solicitude. What has Grandpa Europe swaying peevishly in his seat-belted rocking chair, however, is that his vigorous American son neither wants nor needs anything from him.
While Europeans now depend on dependence as they ceremoniously change each other’s diapers, Americans act.
— PacRim Jim
Neutrophobia August 2004
From their forgotten graves, the dead millions of World War II salute the peoples of Switzerland and Sweden, not only for their principled neutrality during that prolonged inconvenience, but also for their admirable ability to profit from all sides in such an inclement business climate.
— PacRim Jim
Calling aller les mimes May 2004
Last time PacRim Jim bothered to notice, the European omnium-gatherum was composed of 25 countries speaking 20 official languages: English, German, French, Italian, Spanish, and 15 other trace languages. This burden of communicating between hundreds of language pairs is tolerable only because it is borne by countries with nothing better to do on the world stage.
In his never-beginning campaign to facilitate such intertribal communication, the Pacster devoted 1.8 ms of intracerebral computing time to the problem and developed the optimal solution: mimes. Europe grows them aplenty for some reason, so let them handle communication. They could even wave their arms inappropriately to communicate the mysterious nonverbal memes of degenerate Latin dialects.
Fiat mimes!
— PacRim Jim
Eurodiaspora Redux April 2004
In this the 21st century, as the self-hating European welfare states continue their devolution from importance to impotence and their indigestible Muslim populations wax vigorously, traditional Europe will vanish (as retribution perchance for artistically, scientifically, and militarily outpacing other slugabed countries for centuries?). As far ahead as the Pacster can foresee—who’s to contradict?—these trends will hold.
For ethnic Europeans, only two equally unpalatable choices will then remain: capitulation or de-Muslimization, for there is and will be no hope of Westernizing an underclass enwombed in medieval fundamentalism. (Indeed it already may be too late even to re-Westernize the ethnic Europeans themselves.)
Capitulation may eventuate as it already is the conditioned response of the heirs of the Roman Empire who, for the nonce, populate the northern shore of the Mediterranean Sea and, also for the nonce, speak degenerate forms of Latin.
Although less likely, de-Muslimization also is possible since the northern Europeans and particularly the Germans have recent experience transporting and/or slaughtering entire populations (as their Judenrein neighbors will attest). But even the Teutons now cavil and doze, enervated both by world wars they started but could not finish and by emigration, principally to America, where they contribute more to American brain and brawn than any other people in the American melting pot. (To avoid confusion among Ivy League graduates, “melting pot” refers not to a pot that is melting, but to America’s ability to accept and absorb if not all comers, then at least their children.)
How shall we Americans respond to either eventuality? For a few nonmetric units of time, we might be ambivalent about Eurodämmerung. Long before that day, however, ophan America shall cease to care, so should we celebrate or go to the beach?
Meanwhile, the Pacster has a suggestion tantamount to a mandate: Take careful notes, starting now, as to who the yapping anti-American Eurobetas are, because when the struggle for dominion over bombs-a-poppin’ Europe culminates a few decades hence, many of these Euroweenies will seek refuge in the U.S., even though they hate us and whatever it is they think we stand for.
Then we Americans shall have the unilateral pleasure of yelling, “Go to Europe.”
— PacRim Jim
Europax 2003 May 2003
PacRim Jim recently survived an antepartum flashback.
The year, 1939; the year, 2003.
Hordes of grim-faced Germans marching in support of a genocidal dictator.
Most chilling was their banner. As best the Pacster could render it from memory, it looked like the following:
— PacRim Jim
God Bless the Ussia April 2002
The moment is now.
Now that Russia remains near its economic and geopolitical nadir.
Now that the U.S. is internationally inclined and feeling vulnerable.
This is the precise moment for the two vast and proud nations to consider a merger—not a takeover, a merger.
Consider the benefits to both sides:
150 million Russians would obtain access to the capital and technology required to create more (and better) jobs. Not incidentally, they would become citizens of the most powerful nation on earth—one that outflanks two potential enemies: land-hungry China, which is casting sidelong glances at empty Siberia, and the power-hungry EU, home to sundry socialists, communists, and fascists who ache to control the lives of everyone but themselves.
280 million Americans would benefit from the improved productivity of hundreds of thousands of well trained Russian engineers. Our security would likewise be enhanced. Plus, there presumably would be thousands of fewer missles pointing our way.
There would be drawbacks, however:
Russians have historically favored an authoritarian central government, which has—ultimately, at least—protected them from Viking, Mongolian, French, English, German, and many other foreign invaders over the centuries. Americans would rightfully fear this dependence as a threat to their liberty.
The American fear of a powerful central government pervades its founding documents, and the protected liberty of Americans is their most prized cultural attribute. Russians naturally would fear the chaos of democracy.
Also, Russians and Americans would rightly fear cultural dilution, if not domination, as well as the implicit extinction of their mother languages.
For these reasons, it would be tricky—but not impossible—to satisfactorily meld the two peoples without sacrificing what they hold dear. Their descendents, of course, would accept the resulting blend as the mother culture.
Despite their gruff exterior, Russians are sensitive, patient, and resourceful people who would contribute much to the union. Although other peoples interpret the can-do attitude of Americans as arrogance, Americans venture abroad only to visit museums and kill people who threaten us, not to build an empire.
Still unconvinced? Then think of all the Olympic medals! (Don't, however, dwell on the Russo-Italian mafia.)
PacRim Jim has even coined the name of the globe-spanning superstate: Ussia.
Now is the time to convene the Intercontinental Congress of Ussia!
— PacRim Jim
